The Day that was not My Day

Thursday, June 25, 2009. I was prepared to go to school and pass through the day with a breeze. I studied for my Thermodynamics and Physiology quizzes, which were to be taken at 8:00 AM and 9:40 AM, respectively. I even went to the LRT earlier than usual so that I will be on school at an earlier time. Then, everything went wrong. SO WRONG.

After a few minutes of waiting for the train to arrive, the LRT temporarily suspended its operation at about 7:30 AM, and I started to panic. There was no way I'm going to ride the jeepney because the road was flooded with people. So, I called my mother and asked her to take me to La Salle via our car, for the first time ever.

On my way to school, I was really tired because of wondering how I will take my quizzes (especially since there was that "No quiz, you get the lowest grade of all your quizzes as your quiz grade." policy). My hands and feet were clammy, my heart was being squeezed and my stomach has butterflies in it.

When I finally stepped foot in school, I wanted to cry because I did not know how to fix this mess... But then again, I remembered to "Give thanks to the Lord in all circumstances for it is God's will for you, in Christ Jesus (1 Thessalonians 5:18)" because "...God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose (Romans 8:28)." IT WAS CRAZY TO THANK GOD BECAUSE I WAS IN SUCH A DILEMMA, BUT I DID IT, ANYWAY... Out of that thing called faith.

I ended up showing up to my Thermodynamics teacher so that I can plead on taking my quiz. Thankfully, he did, but on one condition - I needed to take the quiz by 9:40. I went to look for my Physiology teacher, but I can't find him. I decided to take things moment by moment and took my Thermodynamics quiz. After that, I finally found my Physiology teacher and he talked to us (Nico Ng and I, because we were in the same situation) about our "problem." After giving us suspense on whether he decided to give us a quiz or not, he concluded that "We all have our fair share of bad days" and "S*** happens," and that we were allowed to take the quiz, but on a shorter time span.

I CANNOT DESCRIBE HOW HAPPY I WAS. No wonder God has a reason for us to thank Him even in REALLY CRAZY situations.

The day went by smoothly after that, and though it was really NOT MY DAY (It was proven during my 2:40 PM Digital Electronics subject, when I dropped my file case and it was heard througout the classroom... and my teacher, who also happened to be the one teaching my Physiology subject, declared, "Kamae, it is really not your day." Haha.), I must say it was GOD'S DAY of giving me first-hand, short-term experience of "In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps (Proverbs 16:9)."

P.S. Remember how God lets people experience things so that they can preach from the heart? That happened to me that day as I was assigned to give a nugget talk during Archer's Call (CCC's weekly prayer time and fellowship) about having a Revolutionary Walk (one of the points is "Living by Faith"). Haha.

Let Me Not Forget

The phrase "Let me not forget" stuck to my head after reading Psalm 77 (because of the devotional I was reading - Women On The Journey), and so I ended up writing a poem with that phrase (and Psalm) in mind.

*****

When life has turned its back on me,
Surely I will struggle.
Soon enough I will call for help
Expecting that You will stretch out Your mighty hand.

But if ever You do not,
Let me not forget:
How I smelled the sweet fragrance of Your creation.
Let me not forget:
How I waded in the streams of Your grace.
Let me not forget:
How I felt the cool breeze of Your blessings.
Let me not forget:
How I basked under the warmth of Your great love.
Let me not forget,
Let me not forget.


P.S. "Surely I will struggle. Soon enough I will call for help" - Those 2 lines actually bother me because Christians do ask God for help in everything, right? But then again, before we cannot/ do not ask for help if we do not need help. So, those two lines remain as they are.

Cain

After a month of hibernation, my blog is once again awoken, primarily because of the story of Cain. I've read and heard the story countless of times, but this was the first time that I saw Yahweh's (God of the Old Testament) mercy and love, just like Jesus in the New Testament.

"10 The LORD said, "What have you done? Listen! Your brother's blood cries out to me from the ground. 11 Now you are under a curse and driven from the ground, which opened its mouth to receive your brother's blood from your hand. 12 When you work the ground, it will no longer yield its crops for you. You will be a restless wanderer on the earth."
13 Cain said to the LORD, "My punishment is more than I can bear. 14 Today you are driving me from the land, and I will be hidden from your presence; I will be a restless wanderer on the earth, and whoever finds me will kill me."
15 But the LORD said to him, "Not so [e] ; if anyone kills Cain, he will suffer vengeance seven times over." Then the LORD put a mark on Cain so that no one who found him would kill him. 16 So Cain went out from the LORD's presence and lived in the land of Nod, [f] east of Eden." - Genesis 4:10-16

(So... what happened to my life so far? Finished well in summer classes for QUANMET, a.k.a. Probabilities and Statistics... currently undergoing driving lessons... finished the New Testament... went back to school for the 1st Trimester last May 25, only to have classes suspended from June 4 to 14 because of that AH1N1/ swine flu issue in DLSU. Life is so exciting, and no, that was not sarcasm.)

*****

Yahweh,
I did not give my best offering.
I have killed my own brother.
I even asked You if I was my brother's keeper.
So I was cursed. I was punished for what I have done.

My punishment is more than I could bear.
I will till the soil restlessly all the days of my life,
And I will wander aimlessly throughout the earth.
Also, I am banished from Your holy presence.

But still, Your mercy lingers over me.
You have promised to protect me from being murdered -
He who does it to me will suffer a vengeance of sevenfold.
It is indeed ironic
Because even though I am cursed, I am still blessed.
I may be hidden from Your presence,
But I can still see Your grace.

*****

P.S. This post is entitled Cain because of the poem.

P.S.S. Who will have ever thought that Cain the murderer == Cain under God's grace?

Standing on Grace

Insomnia's bugging me again. This is the consequence of sleeping (like a rock) for more than 15 hours. I'm probably the one out of 20 people not asleep right now, and I feel a bit irritated because of that slight headache which is telling my body to rest (which is unfortunately being resisted by my wide-awake eyes).

Since more than 50% of me is still active, I might as well use this time to write things down. Stuff I want to admit to myself in a *somewhat* physical form. I'm spiritually thirsty and weary these past few days, and quoting/paraphrasing from Paul, "I do what I do not want to do, yet what I want to do, I cannot do." Life is so tough sometimes. I was praying in my sleep yester-morning and asking God to cleanse me, forgive me, over and over again as if once is not enough. It's a horrible feeling - the kind when you say you're so sorry, but you cannot "feel" it. Ugh.

And then... a song by Caedmon's Call, entitled "Shifting Sand," comes into mind, and yet again, never failing, God proves to me that He is faithful, no matter how much slap He gets on the face because of me.

"My faith is like shifting sand,
Changed by every wave.
My faith is like shifting sand,
So I stand on grace." - Shifting Sand by Caedmon's Call

*****

I stand on grace
Because of what You've done
I stand on grace
Because of who You are

You are there when I am broken
You are there when I am filled
You are who You are
You never change
You are the God who saves

The One who authored the universe
The long awaited Prophecy
The Lion who is the Lamb
The Eternal Flame that continues to dwell inside my heart

Forever Faithful
Indescribable
Messiah of mine

Stress Release

Did this Moltres because I needed to release my artsy side. These are those times I just want the school term to end ASAP (Just like last week).

More so, I need fire in doing my academics even if it is sucking me like a vacuum. Excellence needs to be given to the One who deserves it.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” -Matthew 11:28-30

Yes, Lord, I need to hang on to your promises. As in.

Start of Term. Now.

There are those days when you like and dislike school at the same time. You like going to class because you learn, but you dislike going to class because of the numerous requirements you need to pass.

So you wish it was the start of term, so that everything goes in a relatively easy/slow pace.

I really don't mind not having a "summer" summer. I'm actually considering summer classes to lighten my load for the first term of the next school year. "Summer" summer makes me a bum. Eat, sleep, surf the net... It makes me so lazy.

In a different light of things...

The 12th of March was just as good as the 11th's. More of that next time (when I actually have the mood to type it down. This will definitely happen, BTW.).

There's this pretty poem from the devotional I'm reading (Walking On: Women On The Journey). It's actually quoted by the writer of the entry, Wawa B. Ponce:

I was regretting the past and fearing the future.
Suddenly my Lord was speaking: 'My name is I AM.'
He paused. I waited. He continued.

'When you live in the past, with its mistakes and regrets,
it is hard.
I am not there.
My name is not I was.
When you live in the future, with its problems and fears,
It is hard.

I am not there.
My name is not I will be.
When you live in this moment it is not hard. I am here.
My name is I AM.

-Helen Mallicoat

If one would ask me how I felt about the poem, I'll summarize it in two words: "Kinilig ako." Haha. It's a strange description, but I had good goosebumps when I finished reading the poem. I'm the kind of person who worries what would happen the day after next, so it is comforting to be assured that He is "I AM" and not "I will be" once in a while.

Another verse that came into mind when I read this poem was:

"Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." - Matthew 6:34

Well... that's all for now. I still need to get up at 4 A.M. tomorrow. We need to go to Tagaytay, for some reason. Hehe.

Solitary Soul

This poem is dedicated to Ate Alps, who is not only a Bible study leader, but a good friend as well. I wish her the best in her journey through life (in training to become a full-time missionary).

Poem inspired by Joshua 1:1-9

*****
I can hear the wind
Calling out my name
As i walk down this barren road
Filled with uncertainty

Why I am doing this
Is a big mystery
I have for so many times
thought of over and over again
Yet I still keep on walking
Unafraid

I'll keep following
This path
Where the wind blows
For my efforts will not be in vain

Soon
though I don't exactly know when
I'll be able to reach
That place
Where the sun always shines
Where the flowers never cease to bloom
Where the river always flows with life

I have faith I will
So I continue to walk



(Home)

The Reluctant Lasallian

Before going about my usual business of doing schoolwork with the aid of the internet, I need to get this thought out of my mind and heart. I've been in La Salle for almost two years now, and to be honest, I am still learning to love my present-day alma mater.

It's just so hard to know that you are going to this school when another part of you screams out to be part of another university. Well, that's how I feel sometimes. There are times when I already like walking down those marble-polished floors, but there are days when I wish I was elsewhere. I was accepted in other universities I favor even more. I even got the courses that I liked in those places, but why did I end up going to La Salle?

It still is a big mystery to me. I cannot believe I said during that Star Scholarship interview (a fully-waived tuition fee program during your whole stay in the school, plus other benefits, which I unfortunately was not accepted in) that I would study in La Salle even if I was not accepted in the scholarship program. I chose La Salle over other schools because of my course. Period. I cannot understand my reasoning even up till now.

There are still those times when that thought of shifting out to another school enters my brain, but my heart says otherwise. Even when there I times I dislike saying I am a Lasallian, I continue to be one, because God continues to whisper in my heart to be one.

I was once one of those normal sixth grade students who would settle for any high school in my area, but somehow, through His invisible hand, God led me to Philippine Science, which up till now, was an experience I still cannot fathom. Here He showed me , through graduating with honors, that I was capable of more than I thought I could be.

I will continue to trust Him, because even if I cannot understand where I am heading right now, He has his best intentions for me in His heart.

"In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps." - Proverbs 16:24

P.S. This experience inspired this poem of mine.

P.S.S. Happy Valentine's Day!!!

Grace

If there is a thing called Last-Song-Syndrome (LSS), there should also be one called Last-Verse-Syndrome (LVS). These are the times when God's word really strikes me as a "double-edged sword," and I just want to repeat the verse over and over in my head. Right now, it's in Romans Chapter 5 (focus on verse 20b).

"12 Therefore, just as sin entered the world through one man, and death through sin, and in this way death came to all men, because all sinned— 13 for before the law was given, sin was in the world. But sin is not taken into account when there is no law. 14 Nevertheless, death reigned from the time of Adam to the time of Moses, even over those who did not sin by breaking a command, as did Adam, who was a pattern of the one to come.

15 But the gift is not like the trespass. For if the many died by the trespass of the one man, how much more did God's grace and the gift that came by the grace of the one man, Jesus Christ, overflow to the many! 16 Again, the gift of God is not like the result of the one man's sin: The judgment followed one sin and brought condemnation, but the gift followed many trespasses and brought justification. 17 For if, by the trespass of the one man, death reigned through that one man, how much more will those who receive God's abundant provision of grace and of the gift of righteousness reign in life through the one man, Jesus Christ.

18 Consequently, just as the result of one trespass was condemnation for all men, so also the result of one act of righteousness was justification that brings life for all men. 19 For just as through the disobedience of the one man the many were made sinners, so also through the obedience of the one man the many will be made righteous.

20 The law was added so that the trespass might increase. But where sin increased, grace increased all the more, 21 so that, just as sin reigned in death, so also grace might reign through righteousness to bring eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord." - Romans 5:12-21

Like every other person, there are times when I feel out-of-tune with God's signals, and I begin to do things I know I would be better without. (These are the times when you really should NOT depend on FEELINGS, BUT rather on God and HIS WORD.) It's just awesome to know that He is always there to welcome you back into His arms.*

The Day My iMac Froze

I just took a bath. Then, the unexpected happened.

I went to my computer and moved my mouse. Okay... not moving. I looked at the DSL connection timer (which shows at the upper right hand screen and appears in this format: :: connected). Not moving either! My supposedly invincible iMac froze!

In hopes of getting my computer to work again, I turned it off for a few seconds, then turned it on again. I gave it a few minutes to load, but the loading screen did not appear. It was already getting late, so, I went to sleep with the light blue screen (which appears before loading) there. When I woke up, the light blue screen was still there. No loading screen. THAT WAS BAD.

I suddenly remembered my chat with Kev the other day (01/09/09, Friday, about 6:30 PM), where I mentioned that if I were to remember Bible verses that remind me of him, one of them was Galatians 5:22-23, a.k.a. the Fruit of the Spirit.

"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law." - Galatians 5:22-23

"... and self-control." Of all those computers that would freeze, mine froze. I do know that it froze partly because I left it on for more than 24 hours straight, but I've done that before, and this was the first time it happened to me (plus, the incident happened right after I took a bath). It's definitely God telling me to have self-control in using the computer.

While I wait for the customer service/technical support personnel to come fix my iMac, and that light blue screen (of death) still continues to appear, I better take this opportunity to spend more time with Him and get more sleep. Hehe.*

P.S. @Kev: These "connection moments" always happen... and they continue to amaze me.

Your Will Be Done

17 The third time he said to him, "Simon son of John, do you love me?"

Peter was hurt because Jesus asked him the third time, "Do you love me?" He said, "Lord, you know all things; you know that I love you."

Jesus said, "Feed my sheep. 18 I tell you the truth, when you were younger you dressed yourself and went where you wanted; but when you are old you will stretch out your hands, and someone else will dress you and lead you where you do not want to go." 19 Jesus said this to indicate the kind of death by which Peter would glorify God. Then he said to him, "Follow me!"

20 Peter turned and saw that the disciple whom Jesus loved was following them. (This was the one who had leaned back against Jesus at the supper and had said, "Lord, who is going to betray you?") 21 When Peter saw him, he asked, "Lord, what about him?"

22 Jesus answered, "If I want him to remain alive until I return, what is that to you? You must follow me." 23 Because of this, the rumor spread among the brothers that this disciple would not die. But Jesus did not say that he would not die; he only said, "If I want him to remain alive until I return, what is that to you?" - John 21:17-23

This was the scenario wherein Jesus informed Peter of the kind of death he would go through to glorify God. (Peter later died by being crucified upside-down.) Surely, anyone who hears about the way they would die (especially if they have to go through a very painful one) would be terrified. The inspiring thing is, Peter submitted to God's will because he knew that God was in control.

This passage "knocked" on my heart again here in our Tagaytay retreat. Though the retreat is about prayer, God's will still remains. A prayer is only answered if it is in accordance with His will, and it must be mighty hard when things don't go about the way we planned them to be.

Another passage I was reminded about was when Job said, "God may kill me, but still I will trust Him. (CEV)" Job's faith in God is really amazing! Reading the stories of these people, and how they put their trust in God really challenges modern Christians (especially those in countries wherein sharing the Word does no have grave consequences). I want to be like these people too... Those who just tell God, "Lord, not my will, but Your will be done."*

Be Near Me

Be Near Me - Bethany Dillon

I follow all the rules
Well, at least I'm trying
Hoping when my days are through
You'll be pleased

I've lived the longest days
Thinking my heart was so bad
Too scared to look in your face
Oh, if only I had

[Bridge:]
And is it alright
If I stay here all night
By the shoreline

[Chorus:]
I cannot believe you are angry or unjust
You've done nothing but have compassion on us
So be near me when I've given You up
Be near me

I'm just like everyone else
We are all hiding
Acting like I have a wealth
Of knowledge and peace

But all I've ever wanted
And what men have given their lives for
Is a God who understands my weaknesses
A God that I can love

[Bridge]

[Chorus]

I believe you are good and righteous
You've given me your reckless love
So be near, be near...

*****

God usually speaks to people through the Bible. But, He also uses other media like people, books, and in this case, music, referring to a passage in the Bible to speak to us. This song used to be one of the blah songs in my playlist until sometime this Christmas season.

I'm one of those people who always seek "self-improvement," and as a Christian, I HATE it when I SIN. It sucks. I feel real bad, and this song expresses my (and every Believers') plea for God to just be there for us even if we go astray (at times).

While I was thinking about this song awhile ago, Hebrews 13:5b flashed on my head - "Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you."

These are the moments when His love (or at most, what we humans can comprehend) just leaves me dumbfounded.*

Beginning Anew

Today is December 28, 2008. The last Sunday of the year 2008. Less than 96 hours away from the so-called "New Year."

I'm doing such a cliche'd thing - writing an entry entitled "Beginning Anew." How unoriginal. But, trust me, this is for a reason. I'm starting off on a "clean slate," that is, putting this entry in an empty, soon-to-be-filled, blog. I have decided I want to grow as a person, especially on the spiritual aspect, and in order to do this, I need to "throw away extra luggage" (as said the book of Hebrews). Also, since I really never had that habit of writing in a diary, like other people (blogging, on the other hand, just seems so natural), I'd like to have a special place in the digital world for documenting my journey through life and through Christ. (Wow. It sounds even more credible with the fact that I'm turning 18 - *ehem* supposedly "transition to adulthood" blah - this March.)

However, aside from all of that, something keeps bugging me. There's that nagging in my heart and brain that I want to write something. I don't know what "that" is - a poem, an essay, a short story... whatever - all I know is, there is that desire in me to write (though I am no exceptional writer) and shell my heart out, despite my limited vocabulary and trail of thought.

As for 2009, I want to grow more (in all those ending with an -al aspects... If I'm going to earn a few millimeters left before I stop growing, those few millimeters are very much welcome. Haha.), learn more (Tsk. Tsk. The never-ending course called "life."), and love more (Focus on the "Spread the Love. Spread the Word." motto which Kev and I coined together. I may have no life verse, but if there is such a thing as a life quote, that is it.). I'm more determined than ever to live my life out and be that fruit-bearing branch I was set out to be.*

P.S. About my post last year, yeah, I somehow achieved my goals.