Of Irritations and His Faithfulness

For the past few days, there's this irritation in my chest that is itchy and hurts at the same time. It's such a nuisance that I cannot even sleep decently at night. I want to scratch is so bad, but when I scratch it, there is temporary relief, and then the pain and itchiness comes again. I also gets incredibly itchy and painful when I sweat, or even at random moments, like right now when I am just typing a post here in my blog.

I'm going to say this sentence another time, just like I did for the rest of since-when-this irritation began, "Ang kati-kati!!!"

It distracts me so much that I want to cry because of it. But (and I can't believe I'm saying this) you know what's amazing about it? The red pigmentations it causes make a big heart-shaped mark across my chest. I don't even understand the reason why I'm saying this, but what I know is that God is continually teaching me how to see the good in the ugly and irritable, just as He is doing.

On another note, I was archiving all my blog posts a while ago (The oldest post dated back December 31, 2004), and as I was scanning through my posts, I saw a poem I wrote when I was 15 years old. (It seems like a long time ago.) I let a few people read it, because even I was amazed with what I wrote at that time. Also, this is such a memorable poem because this was the first I wrote dedicated to my Heavenly Father.

A Shimmer of Hope

I try to catch my breath
As my world starts to slowly fade away.
I search for a remedy to stop all of this;
My mind trying to find what went wrong.
But I can’t find the answer.
I am lost in oblivion,
Stuck in the limbo within the depths of my soul.

Why does everything seem so hard?
Why do I need to suffer
This bleakness and loneliness
That is slowly eating up
Every part of me?

I need to save what’s left of this place
Before it gets completely devoured by the darkness lurking stealthily;
Ruining my abode little by little.

But I failed.

“How will my world come to life again?”
This question I asked to myself.
I realized that I have ignored something;
A small glitter of light that was always watching over me.
Following me everywhere that I go.

I finally found a shimmer of hope;
Something that can turn my dark, broken world back into the beautiful place it once was.
This little light –
Why did I always ignore it
When in fact, it was the origin of my world.
It was always there beside me –
Constant, unchanging.
This tiny sparkle is the only thing
That can mend this shattered world of mine.

This light –
The one thing I used to nurture
Before my world became a marvelous dwelling.
It was what started it all:
It made all these majestic things that used to live in my paradise;
This world grew and grew,
Until it was so beautiful that I started to ignore this little light.
Slowly, I began to forget about its existence.

Because of this light, I had my world, my secret place,
Where I can lean on, take refuge.
“Why is it still there after all these times I tried ignoring it?”
No matter what I do, the light was always there.
Never foresaking me even though I left it away.

I started nurturing this light again.
My paradise started to come to life once more.
It grew and grew –
I was so delighted!
I can’t believe that this light would still do all these things for me
Despite being rejected for such a long time.

I will continue to nurture this light;
Having done a lot of amazing things for me.
I’ll never let it go;
I’ll not make those same mistakes I did in the past.
This light is what makes my world go round,
And I am willing to do everything for it;
To return the favor it gave me;
Incomparable to any other thing that I can ever give.

-Kamae; May 4, 2006

Based from my previous posts (2004-2008), I have definitely grown up, but this poem reminds me that no matter how much I mature (Oh... I'm almost 18!), there's that part of me that will continue yearning for Him. He has proven to me through my writings and ramblings that He is transforming me into who He wants me to be, and I'll be patiently waiting for the next thing He'll do in my life.