Solitary Soul

This poem is dedicated to Ate Alps, who is not only a Bible study leader, but a good friend as well. I wish her the best in her journey through life (in training to become a full-time missionary).

Poem inspired by Joshua 1:1-9

*****
I can hear the wind
Calling out my name
As i walk down this barren road
Filled with uncertainty

Why I am doing this
Is a big mystery
I have for so many times
thought of over and over again
Yet I still keep on walking
Unafraid

I'll keep following
This path
Where the wind blows
For my efforts will not be in vain

Soon
though I don't exactly know when
I'll be able to reach
That place
Where the sun always shines
Where the flowers never cease to bloom
Where the river always flows with life

I have faith I will
So I continue to walk



(Home)

Of Irritations and His Faithfulness

For the past few days, there's this irritation in my chest that is itchy and hurts at the same time. It's such a nuisance that I cannot even sleep decently at night. I want to scratch is so bad, but when I scratch it, there is temporary relief, and then the pain and itchiness comes again. I also gets incredibly itchy and painful when I sweat, or even at random moments, like right now when I am just typing a post here in my blog.

I'm going to say this sentence another time, just like I did for the rest of since-when-this irritation began, "Ang kati-kati!!!"

It distracts me so much that I want to cry because of it. But (and I can't believe I'm saying this) you know what's amazing about it? The red pigmentations it causes make a big heart-shaped mark across my chest. I don't even understand the reason why I'm saying this, but what I know is that God is continually teaching me how to see the good in the ugly and irritable, just as He is doing.

On another note, I was archiving all my blog posts a while ago (The oldest post dated back December 31, 2004), and as I was scanning through my posts, I saw a poem I wrote when I was 15 years old. (It seems like a long time ago.) I let a few people read it, because even I was amazed with what I wrote at that time. Also, this is such a memorable poem because this was the first I wrote dedicated to my Heavenly Father.

A Shimmer of Hope

I try to catch my breath
As my world starts to slowly fade away.
I search for a remedy to stop all of this;
My mind trying to find what went wrong.
But I can’t find the answer.
I am lost in oblivion,
Stuck in the limbo within the depths of my soul.

Why does everything seem so hard?
Why do I need to suffer
This bleakness and loneliness
That is slowly eating up
Every part of me?

I need to save what’s left of this place
Before it gets completely devoured by the darkness lurking stealthily;
Ruining my abode little by little.

But I failed.

“How will my world come to life again?”
This question I asked to myself.
I realized that I have ignored something;
A small glitter of light that was always watching over me.
Following me everywhere that I go.

I finally found a shimmer of hope;
Something that can turn my dark, broken world back into the beautiful place it once was.
This little light –
Why did I always ignore it
When in fact, it was the origin of my world.
It was always there beside me –
Constant, unchanging.
This tiny sparkle is the only thing
That can mend this shattered world of mine.

This light –
The one thing I used to nurture
Before my world became a marvelous dwelling.
It was what started it all:
It made all these majestic things that used to live in my paradise;
This world grew and grew,
Until it was so beautiful that I started to ignore this little light.
Slowly, I began to forget about its existence.

Because of this light, I had my world, my secret place,
Where I can lean on, take refuge.
“Why is it still there after all these times I tried ignoring it?”
No matter what I do, the light was always there.
Never foresaking me even though I left it away.

I started nurturing this light again.
My paradise started to come to life once more.
It grew and grew –
I was so delighted!
I can’t believe that this light would still do all these things for me
Despite being rejected for such a long time.

I will continue to nurture this light;
Having done a lot of amazing things for me.
I’ll never let it go;
I’ll not make those same mistakes I did in the past.
This light is what makes my world go round,
And I am willing to do everything for it;
To return the favor it gave me;
Incomparable to any other thing that I can ever give.

-Kamae; May 4, 2006

Based from my previous posts (2004-2008), I have definitely grown up, but this poem reminds me that no matter how much I mature (Oh... I'm almost 18!), there's that part of me that will continue yearning for Him. He has proven to me through my writings and ramblings that He is transforming me into who He wants me to be, and I'll be patiently waiting for the next thing He'll do in my life.

Love. Grace. Music.

Yesterday was that day when I felt I was not "good enough." I know that it is not by good works that one gets saved by Christ, but when you want to be pleasing in the eyes of the One who saved you, you want to do everything to make Him smile.

So, while I was lying in bed, waiting for sleep to fall on me, I kept praying and praying. Then, this morning, I just needed to listen to this song, and I feel a lot better now.

Tatay God, thank You for being the God of many chances. Thank You for choosing me, and being incredibly patient, because I still have a long way to go.

Last, but not the least, though it is an unusual thing to thank You for; Thank You for making me a music junkie , and using that part of me in lifting me up and reminding me of who You are.

*****

Caedmon's Call - There's Only One (Holy One)

Left his seamless robe behind
Woke up in a stable crying
Lived and died and rose again
Savior for a guilty land

It's a story like a children's tune
And it's grown familiar as the moon
So now I ride my camel high
And I'm aiming for the needle's eye

I chased the wind, but I chased in vain
I chased the earth, but it would not sustain

[Chorus:]
There's only one who never fails
To beckon the morning light
There's only one who sets loose the gales
And ties the trees down tight
When all around my soul gives way
He is all my hope and stay
There's only one, only one Holy One

Lord, You are my Prince of Peace
But this war brings me to my knees
See there's a table You've prepared
And all my enemies are there
But where my Shepherd leads
Where else can I go
Who else fills my cup till it overflows

[Chorus]

There's only one who never fails
To beckon the morning light
There's only one who sets loose the gales
And ties the trees down tight

To the Solid Rock I fly
Though He bids me come and die
There's only one, only one Holy One

[Chorus]

Good Morning, God

After seven hours of sleep
I got out of bed
Stood up
Then went to the bathroom

I placed myself in front of the sink
Started brushing my teeth

After the brushing was done
I gazed at the mirror in front of me
Then smiled

I saw all my imperfections
My ears
My chalk-like stained teeth
Even my zits which I dislike to see

But despite these things
I sing a song of joy
For yes
Even though I am imperfect
I am beautiful to You, my Lord
My Creator
My Savior
My Redeemer
And I praise You
Because despite my shortcomings
You are there to fill me up
And make me whole

Good morning, God
Belated Happy Valentine's Day
I Love You

Your Child,
Kamae

The Reluctant Lasallian

Before going about my usual business of doing schoolwork with the aid of the internet, I need to get this thought out of my mind and heart. I've been in La Salle for almost two years now, and to be honest, I am still learning to love my present-day alma mater.

It's just so hard to know that you are going to this school when another part of you screams out to be part of another university. Well, that's how I feel sometimes. There are times when I already like walking down those marble-polished floors, but there are days when I wish I was elsewhere. I was accepted in other universities I favor even more. I even got the courses that I liked in those places, but why did I end up going to La Salle?

It still is a big mystery to me. I cannot believe I said during that Star Scholarship interview (a fully-waived tuition fee program during your whole stay in the school, plus other benefits, which I unfortunately was not accepted in) that I would study in La Salle even if I was not accepted in the scholarship program. I chose La Salle over other schools because of my course. Period. I cannot understand my reasoning even up till now.

There are still those times when that thought of shifting out to another school enters my brain, but my heart says otherwise. Even when there I times I dislike saying I am a Lasallian, I continue to be one, because God continues to whisper in my heart to be one.

I was once one of those normal sixth grade students who would settle for any high school in my area, but somehow, through His invisible hand, God led me to Philippine Science, which up till now, was an experience I still cannot fathom. Here He showed me , through graduating with honors, that I was capable of more than I thought I could be.

I will continue to trust Him, because even if I cannot understand where I am heading right now, He has his best intentions for me in His heart.

"In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps." - Proverbs 16:24

P.S. This experience inspired this poem of mine.

P.S.S. Happy Valentine's Day!!!

That Kind of Love

It's that time of the year again. People appreciate their loved ones through cards, roses, chocolates and even stuffed toys. Lovers go date somewhere. People profess their admiration to their crushes... Oh, the things people do for love.

Of all the kinds of love that exists in this world, the kind of love which really intrigues me is a parent's love, especially a father's love for his daughter. What is it that makes a father write a song about giving away his daughter in marriage, and why is it hard to let her go? If you've heard "Butterfly Kisses" by Bob Carlisle, you know what I'm talking about. Countless love songs make you happy or sad, but only few let you feel both emotions at the same time, and one of those few are songs written by a father for his daughter.

Maybe I'm thinking about this too much today since I'm the daughter of my father. (Wow. What a way to describe myself.) It must be really hard to raise someone up, spend all your time and effort on him/her, then let him/her go. It's an amazing love, to the point that it is kind of more than sacrificial.

I want to love like that one day. (Haha. Im saying this and I don't even have a love life!) It must be hard, but it sure is a rewarding kind of love.

*****


Cinderella - Steven Curtis Chapman

[Verse 1:]
She spins and she sways to whatever song plays,
Without a care in the world.
And I'm sitting here wearing the weight of the world on my shoulders.
It's been a long day and there's still work to do,
She's pulling at me saying "Dad I need you!
There's a ball at the castle and I've been invited and I need to practice my dancin'"
"Oh please, daddy, please!"

[Chorus:]
So I will dance with Cinderella
While she is here in my arms
'Cause I know something the prince never knew
Oh I will dance with Cinderella
I don't want to miss even one song
'Cause all too soon the clock will strike midnight
And she'll be gone.

[Verse 2:]
She says he's a nice guy and I'd be impressed
She wants to know if I approve of the dress
She says, "Dad the prom is just one week away
And I need to practice my dancin'
"Oh please, daddy , please!"

[Chorus]

[Verse 3:]
But she came home today with a ring on her hand
Just glowin' and tellin' us all they had planned
She says, "Dad the wedding's still six months away but I need to practice my dancin'
"Oh please, daddy , please!"

[Chorus]

Remembering You

Remembering You - Steven Curtis Chapman

I found You in the most unlikely way
But really it was You who found me
And I found myself in the gifts that You gave
You gave me so much and I

I wish You could stay
But I'll, I'll wait for the day

[Chorus:]
And I watch as the cold winter melts into spring
And I'll be remembering You
Oh and I'll smell the flowers and hear the birds sing
And I'll be remembering You, I'll be remembering You

From the first moment when I heard Your name
Something in my heart came alive
You showed me love and no words could explain
A love with the power to
Open the door
To a world I was made for

[Chorus]

The dark night, the hard fight
The long climb up the hill knowing the cost
The brave death, the last breathe
The silence whispering all hope was lost
The thunder, the wonder
A power that brings the dead back to life

I wish You could stay
But I'll wait for the day
And though You've gone away
You come back and

[Chorus]

And I'll watch as the sun fills a sky that was dark
And I'll be remembering You
And I'll think of the way that You fill up my heart
And I'll be remembering You

I'll be remembering You
I'll be remembering You
I'll be remembering You

I'll be remembering You

*****

Just "discovered" this song recently after being stuck inside David (my iPod, for those who are unaware) for pretty much... since his existence. These are the kind of songs wherein you know it's good just from hearing the intro and the opening lyrics... and the kind of songs which melt my heart.

It's actually part of the Chronicles of Narnia soundtrack, but with that aside, I was just left at awe with the narrator's (or in this case, the singer's) promise that he will always remember the good deeds and great love of his Savior. That is just so sweet.*

Pursuing Excellence

Before I get busy this week in everything academics, I'd like to share this quote I read from my daily devotion.

I will pursue excellence, not to call attention to myself, but to honor the One who renews my strength." - Richelle Joson-Ligot, Walking On: The Best of Women on the Journey (2006)

This just made (or rather will make) my week. (Haha. I'm talking as if this week has already passed.) For sure, He is always there to guide me in everything that I do.*

Grace

If there is a thing called Last-Song-Syndrome (LSS), there should also be one called Last-Verse-Syndrome (LVS). These are the times when God's word really strikes me as a "double-edged sword," and I just want to repeat the verse over and over in my head. Right now, it's in Romans Chapter 5 (focus on verse 20b).

"12 Therefore, just as sin entered the world through one man, and death through sin, and in this way death came to all men, because all sinned— 13 for before the law was given, sin was in the world. But sin is not taken into account when there is no law. 14 Nevertheless, death reigned from the time of Adam to the time of Moses, even over those who did not sin by breaking a command, as did Adam, who was a pattern of the one to come.

15 But the gift is not like the trespass. For if the many died by the trespass of the one man, how much more did God's grace and the gift that came by the grace of the one man, Jesus Christ, overflow to the many! 16 Again, the gift of God is not like the result of the one man's sin: The judgment followed one sin and brought condemnation, but the gift followed many trespasses and brought justification. 17 For if, by the trespass of the one man, death reigned through that one man, how much more will those who receive God's abundant provision of grace and of the gift of righteousness reign in life through the one man, Jesus Christ.

18 Consequently, just as the result of one trespass was condemnation for all men, so also the result of one act of righteousness was justification that brings life for all men. 19 For just as through the disobedience of the one man the many were made sinners, so also through the obedience of the one man the many will be made righteous.

20 The law was added so that the trespass might increase. But where sin increased, grace increased all the more, 21 so that, just as sin reigned in death, so also grace might reign through righteousness to bring eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord." - Romans 5:12-21

Like every other person, there are times when I feel out-of-tune with God's signals, and I begin to do things I know I would be better without. (These are the times when you really should NOT depend on FEELINGS, BUT rather on God and HIS WORD.) It's just awesome to know that He is always there to welcome you back into His arms.*