A Christmas Poem

Inspiration struck last night when I was staring at my "Christmas Project" last year. I wrote a poem about it, just to capture the essence of the message I want to portray. (After quite a while, I finally was able to extract some creative juice from my brain. Haha.)

P.S. Read between the lines. :)

*****

A Night Like Any Other

That night must be just like any other.

Fathers going home after work,

Mothers preparing a good dinner.

Children playing and laughing,

Their carefree laughs echoing and filling the evening air.

That day has been both tiring and fun.

It has been another wonderful day,

And a good night's sleep is a reward well earned

for every person in town.

Yet, throughout the mundaneness of that day,

Something memorable happened.

A star,

brighter than all the rest,

Is shimmering in the night sky.

A little lad who's barely eight

Is sitting by the window,

Waiting for his father to come home,

When he noticed that a star,

brighter than all the rest,

Is shimmering in the night sky.

He ran hurriedly, called his mother,

And they went out to see that star.

To that little lad and his mother,

That star is the most beautiful star they've seen.

The most beautiful star, it is, indeed.

*****

My 2008 "Christmas Project":

Advanced Merry Christmas to all!

It's almost December.

Here I am once again stuck in limbo between bumming and doing schoolwork, and it is so frustrating. Half of your being wants to do something that you can say you have accomplished, while the other half wants to lounge around and do nothing. So once again, in an effort to start a momentum of doing schoolwork, here I am. Blogging. Again. After a long long time.

Less than three weeks left, and Finals week is there. Less than a month, and Christmas comes. Less than 40 days, and welcome New Year!

I want to go do something really creative right now, but I guess blogging will suffice. This term is pretty life-changing because I'm a bit active with non-academic activities, and somehow, I have learned that grades do not sum up who you are in college. I thank God for that. I'm not as grade-conscious as I was when I first stepped into La Salle, and I appreciate how it is to have a circle of friends who doesn't mind being weird (actually, sometimes, very weird) and laughing at seemingly (or maybe really) stupid things quite often. Life's fun like that. Even without a love life. LOL.

I've lately been listening to Owl City (a.k.a. Adam Young), and his music de-stresses me... especially his songs "Hello Seattle" and "Tidal Wave." Haha. I love that "Tidal Wave" has a subtle Christian theme to it, while at the same time being a general song.

Yeah, I'm actually reading Joshua in the Old Testament right now. Joshua is just "wow". He does whatever God commands without question because he knows that what God has in mind is for their (Israelites') own good, and that, I must say, is extreme faith. Wow.

I guess that's all for now. Haven;t really written a "regular" blog for quite some time now, so this is refreshing. Oh, BTW, I had typhoid during our Cebu plant visit (October 21-24), and I was probably the only one who lost weight during that trip. (That made October quite an adventure.)

To end this post, here's a quote that's been pooping in my head every now and then (I do not know were I got it, but I remember it quite frequently):

"A Christian is an ordinary person living an extraordinary life."

Random Poem + School + Musings

It's another typical Saturday afternoon,

And here I am inside me room

Typing words for a blog I haven't written to

Since the ninth of July, three months through.

Once again here I go

Trying to express my inner thoughts

And I should be doing my homework now

In accounting and economics a.k.a ENGECON!

In other words... I missed blogging (and writing crazy poems. haha), and I've waited for that ideal moment to start again. I'm now in my second trimester of third year life (that makes me feel old), and so far, everything's okay. I need some excitement in my life. LOL. In other thought, aside from watching "Up" (which, in my opinion, is Pixar's best feature to date), last term has been pretty exciting.

Recap:

My CGPA was already qualified for first honors dean's list even if those are just the grades for 16 out of 17 units, however, due to a crazy chain of events, which included my programming professor getting mad at our class (and giving almost everyone a grade of 0.0) because our programs are similar (therefore concluding that we copied each other's programs when in fact, the similarities were just mere coincidences); having a panic attack, severe headaches, crying because of a one unit subject and getting a high-grade fever out of nowhere; and, in the end, being given a "grace grade" (though I wanted a higher grade) of 1.0.

(Note: That was one very long run-on sentence.)

That happened last September 9, 2009 (09/09/09), and was one of the toughest days in my academic life, but that's what makes life good. LOL. I'm so glad those are all behind me now.

BTW, this is one weird year. First the AH1N1 scare and just a few weeks ago, it was typhoon Ondoy followed by Peping.

Anyway... Have you ever felt like all people are quite good at something, while you are just so-so good at what you do? I have been thinking about that recently. Such a weird feeling. I can draw, but my drawings aren't at par to what I have pictured in side my head. Same goes with all other endeavors like writing, playing musical instruments, singing, acting, etc... Or maybe I'm just comparing too much... which I am most likely doing. Haha. Anyway, time to get back to my homework!!!

My Artsy Self Needs Some Expressing

This is what I get for taking up Engineering as a college course - the right side of my brain gets dried up. So, here goes an on-the-spot poem about... we are to find out. Hihi.

*****
The Crowd

Walk.
Stop.
Look around.

Many people are passing by.
Faces unknown,
those who you will never see again.
In their world, you are nothing.
In your world, they are nothing.
Yet, each one of you, I know.
I know full well.

You are all special in my eyes,
and I yearn for that day
you will see just how important your life is.

No matter how the world sees you -
even if you are just a tiny speck living among multitudes -
Always remember -
You are known and loved -
You are loved and known.

*****

Okay... somehow, the poem turned out like that. Finally, that concept stuck in my head for quite a long time made its way out... even if it turned out different than what I thought it should be.

I don't get it why my poems always revolve around God. They just do. It's probably the overflow of my soul. Anyway...

It's midterms week, and I cannot feel it. Oh well. Nothing much happening... At least I got to see Daryl Marasigan (a balikbayan friend) tomorrow. Weeee.

P.S. At last two lines: They were taken from "Bombay Rain" by Caedmon's Call. Music is mysteriously finds its way into my brain. Hehe.

The Day that was not My Day

Thursday, June 25, 2009. I was prepared to go to school and pass through the day with a breeze. I studied for my Thermodynamics and Physiology quizzes, which were to be taken at 8:00 AM and 9:40 AM, respectively. I even went to the LRT earlier than usual so that I will be on school at an earlier time. Then, everything went wrong. SO WRONG.

After a few minutes of waiting for the train to arrive, the LRT temporarily suspended its operation at about 7:30 AM, and I started to panic. There was no way I'm going to ride the jeepney because the road was flooded with people. So, I called my mother and asked her to take me to La Salle via our car, for the first time ever.

On my way to school, I was really tired because of wondering how I will take my quizzes (especially since there was that "No quiz, you get the lowest grade of all your quizzes as your quiz grade." policy). My hands and feet were clammy, my heart was being squeezed and my stomach has butterflies in it.

When I finally stepped foot in school, I wanted to cry because I did not know how to fix this mess... But then again, I remembered to "Give thanks to the Lord in all circumstances for it is God's will for you, in Christ Jesus (1 Thessalonians 5:18)" because "...God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose (Romans 8:28)." IT WAS CRAZY TO THANK GOD BECAUSE I WAS IN SUCH A DILEMMA, BUT I DID IT, ANYWAY... Out of that thing called faith.

I ended up showing up to my Thermodynamics teacher so that I can plead on taking my quiz. Thankfully, he did, but on one condition - I needed to take the quiz by 9:40. I went to look for my Physiology teacher, but I can't find him. I decided to take things moment by moment and took my Thermodynamics quiz. After that, I finally found my Physiology teacher and he talked to us (Nico Ng and I, because we were in the same situation) about our "problem." After giving us suspense on whether he decided to give us a quiz or not, he concluded that "We all have our fair share of bad days" and "S*** happens," and that we were allowed to take the quiz, but on a shorter time span.

I CANNOT DESCRIBE HOW HAPPY I WAS. No wonder God has a reason for us to thank Him even in REALLY CRAZY situations.

The day went by smoothly after that, and though it was really NOT MY DAY (It was proven during my 2:40 PM Digital Electronics subject, when I dropped my file case and it was heard througout the classroom... and my teacher, who also happened to be the one teaching my Physiology subject, declared, "Kamae, it is really not your day." Haha.), I must say it was GOD'S DAY of giving me first-hand, short-term experience of "In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps (Proverbs 16:9)."

P.S. Remember how God lets people experience things so that they can preach from the heart? That happened to me that day as I was assigned to give a nugget talk during Archer's Call (CCC's weekly prayer time and fellowship) about having a Revolutionary Walk (one of the points is "Living by Faith"). Haha.

Human

Panel taken from last page of Uncanny X-men #137

This panel stood out among the rest as I was reading my X-men graphic novel (actually, a compilation of what the X-men franchise claims as its "best stories ever told") the other day.

The thought is just "woah". Somebody who had the ability to be so powerful chose to sacrifice herself in order to save mankind.

Heroes like Jean... do they still exist (in real life)? (Or rather... did people like that even exist [in real life]?)

Happy Freedom Day, fellow Filipinos. Somehow, this post aligned itself with this special occasion. Haha.

Let Me Not Forget

The phrase "Let me not forget" stuck to my head after reading Psalm 77 (because of the devotional I was reading - Women On The Journey), and so I ended up writing a poem with that phrase (and Psalm) in mind.

*****

When life has turned its back on me,
Surely I will struggle.
Soon enough I will call for help
Expecting that You will stretch out Your mighty hand.

But if ever You do not,
Let me not forget:
How I smelled the sweet fragrance of Your creation.
Let me not forget:
How I waded in the streams of Your grace.
Let me not forget:
How I felt the cool breeze of Your blessings.
Let me not forget:
How I basked under the warmth of Your great love.
Let me not forget,
Let me not forget.


P.S. "Surely I will struggle. Soon enough I will call for help" - Those 2 lines actually bother me because Christians do ask God for help in everything, right? But then again, before we cannot/ do not ask for help if we do not need help. So, those two lines remain as they are.

Cain

After a month of hibernation, my blog is once again awoken, primarily because of the story of Cain. I've read and heard the story countless of times, but this was the first time that I saw Yahweh's (God of the Old Testament) mercy and love, just like Jesus in the New Testament.

"10 The LORD said, "What have you done? Listen! Your brother's blood cries out to me from the ground. 11 Now you are under a curse and driven from the ground, which opened its mouth to receive your brother's blood from your hand. 12 When you work the ground, it will no longer yield its crops for you. You will be a restless wanderer on the earth."
13 Cain said to the LORD, "My punishment is more than I can bear. 14 Today you are driving me from the land, and I will be hidden from your presence; I will be a restless wanderer on the earth, and whoever finds me will kill me."
15 But the LORD said to him, "Not so [e] ; if anyone kills Cain, he will suffer vengeance seven times over." Then the LORD put a mark on Cain so that no one who found him would kill him. 16 So Cain went out from the LORD's presence and lived in the land of Nod, [f] east of Eden." - Genesis 4:10-16

(So... what happened to my life so far? Finished well in summer classes for QUANMET, a.k.a. Probabilities and Statistics... currently undergoing driving lessons... finished the New Testament... went back to school for the 1st Trimester last May 25, only to have classes suspended from June 4 to 14 because of that AH1N1/ swine flu issue in DLSU. Life is so exciting, and no, that was not sarcasm.)

*****

Yahweh,
I did not give my best offering.
I have killed my own brother.
I even asked You if I was my brother's keeper.
So I was cursed. I was punished for what I have done.

My punishment is more than I could bear.
I will till the soil restlessly all the days of my life,
And I will wander aimlessly throughout the earth.
Also, I am banished from Your holy presence.

But still, Your mercy lingers over me.
You have promised to protect me from being murdered -
He who does it to me will suffer a vengeance of sevenfold.
It is indeed ironic
Because even though I am cursed, I am still blessed.
I may be hidden from Your presence,
But I can still see Your grace.

*****

P.S. This post is entitled Cain because of the poem.

P.S.S. Who will have ever thought that Cain the murderer == Cain under God's grace?

Standing on Grace

Insomnia's bugging me again. This is the consequence of sleeping (like a rock) for more than 15 hours. I'm probably the one out of 20 people not asleep right now, and I feel a bit irritated because of that slight headache which is telling my body to rest (which is unfortunately being resisted by my wide-awake eyes).

Since more than 50% of me is still active, I might as well use this time to write things down. Stuff I want to admit to myself in a *somewhat* physical form. I'm spiritually thirsty and weary these past few days, and quoting/paraphrasing from Paul, "I do what I do not want to do, yet what I want to do, I cannot do." Life is so tough sometimes. I was praying in my sleep yester-morning and asking God to cleanse me, forgive me, over and over again as if once is not enough. It's a horrible feeling - the kind when you say you're so sorry, but you cannot "feel" it. Ugh.

And then... a song by Caedmon's Call, entitled "Shifting Sand," comes into mind, and yet again, never failing, God proves to me that He is faithful, no matter how much slap He gets on the face because of me.

"My faith is like shifting sand,
Changed by every wave.
My faith is like shifting sand,
So I stand on grace." - Shifting Sand by Caedmon's Call

*****

I stand on grace
Because of what You've done
I stand on grace
Because of who You are

You are there when I am broken
You are there when I am filled
You are who You are
You never change
You are the God who saves

The One who authored the universe
The long awaited Prophecy
The Lion who is the Lamb
The Eternal Flame that continues to dwell inside my heart

Forever Faithful
Indescribable
Messiah of mine

Summer! (a.k.a. End of Term)

Weeee. Summer's actually here! My long-awaited break. I'm pretty happy about last term. Though my grades were so-so, I accomplished stuff throughout the term, like relearning to play the guitar (and singing songs with it), sketching some doodles here and there and finally reading the New Testament up until Hebrews (which requires daily dedication)!

Of course, I got my music fix by listening through Caedmon's Call's songs from albums I managed to find here and there. (Their albums are so hard to find!) Here's one of my fave songs, from "In the Company of Angels: A Call to Worship."

I spent my first day of freedom in Star City, with my dear cousins and cousin-in-law, pamangkins and tito and tita. I needed to "feel the air" by riding rides. (Trivia: My favorite Star City rides are Surf Dance, a galleon-type ride which twists and tosses you in air, and Galactic, a wheel where your seatbelt is a chain in front of you, while stand at the edge of the wheel while holding the bars for dear life because the wheel's going to tilt at almost 90 degrees while spinning round and round.)

Oh, I also managed to squeeze in a few of my days (before finals week... an incredible feat for grade-conscious me) in HongKong to remember the city, because my first two visits there date back about 14 years ago, and to fulfill some frustrations of mine (i.e. riding "Space Mountain" in HK Disneyland because of not being allowed to ride it in Anaheim Disneyland when I was 11 years old).


HongKong bayside!


Cutest Disneyland entrance to date.


Oh... the unforgettable turkey leg in Disneyland. I thought we weren't eating it EVER again. (Translation: Hindi nakakalimutan ang pagkaka-umay sa turkey leg kahit 7 years ago na yun... way back in Anaheim.)


Why I love Papsy: Game na game siya!


Ocean Park's "Talking Tree," we meet again!!!


Me and the Panda mascots of Ocean Park... due to Nanay's demand. LOL.


Before there was Jigglypuff... There was Minnie Mouse. *squeals* Best Disneyland souvenirs ever. Mickey and Minnie glass menageries! (Next time, I want them bigger. Haha.)

More HongKong pics here.

So, yeah. Summer's finally here! (Now, I need to learn how to drive! Haha.)

Stress Release

Did this Moltres because I needed to release my artsy side. These are those times I just want the school term to end ASAP (Just like last week).

More so, I need fire in doing my academics even if it is sucking me like a vacuum. Excellence needs to be given to the One who deserves it.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” -Matthew 11:28-30

Yes, Lord, I need to hang on to your promises. As in.

Start of Term. Now.

There are those days when you like and dislike school at the same time. You like going to class because you learn, but you dislike going to class because of the numerous requirements you need to pass.

So you wish it was the start of term, so that everything goes in a relatively easy/slow pace.

I really don't mind not having a "summer" summer. I'm actually considering summer classes to lighten my load for the first term of the next school year. "Summer" summer makes me a bum. Eat, sleep, surf the net... It makes me so lazy.

In a different light of things...

The 12th of March was just as good as the 11th's. More of that next time (when I actually have the mood to type it down. This will definitely happen, BTW.).

There's this pretty poem from the devotional I'm reading (Walking On: Women On The Journey). It's actually quoted by the writer of the entry, Wawa B. Ponce:

I was regretting the past and fearing the future.
Suddenly my Lord was speaking: 'My name is I AM.'
He paused. I waited. He continued.

'When you live in the past, with its mistakes and regrets,
it is hard.
I am not there.
My name is not I was.
When you live in the future, with its problems and fears,
It is hard.

I am not there.
My name is not I will be.
When you live in this moment it is not hard. I am here.
My name is I AM.

-Helen Mallicoat

If one would ask me how I felt about the poem, I'll summarize it in two words: "Kinilig ako." Haha. It's a strange description, but I had good goosebumps when I finished reading the poem. I'm the kind of person who worries what would happen the day after next, so it is comforting to be assured that He is "I AM" and not "I will be" once in a while.

Another verse that came into mind when I read this poem was:

"Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." - Matthew 6:34

Well... that's all for now. I still need to get up at 4 A.M. tomorrow. We need to go to Tagaytay, for some reason. Hehe.

The 11th of March

Wow. I can't believe I finally turned 18! Well... I feel fine. I still feel like I'm 17 or 16 or 15... but yeah, it was a really happy day!

My morning started by finding a card written by my Mommy and Papsy somewhere near the sofa I was sleeping in (We were all in the master's bedroom. I need aircon to survive the summer nights. Haha. Oh... they had two bouquets of flowers last night.). Of course, they had their little messages in it. I love cards!

Of course, there is the usual flood of text messages in my inbox/YM PMs, and the most memorable ones include:

"Happy birthday... I pray that may you not change but only impr0ve as a pers0n as you j0urney into adulth0od... P.s. 707th wedding anniversary nina r0me0 at juliet din 2day. Haha." -Kev Bautista

Comment: Wow! Today, thanks to Kev, I learned that a famous couple's actually celebrating their anniv!

"May tumatanda! ;p" -Anjo Santiago

Comment: Grabe, Anjo. The best/most creative greeting of all. This made my day. Haha.

"Kamae! Happy brthday! Grbe tnx tlga kahapon ah..d pla aq kpasok s tred..sakt ng ulo q at d aq klakad ng dretso..." -Mikee Carag

Comment: Mikee! Sorry kung naimpatso ka kahapon sa block birthday treat ko kahapon (March 10). At least you enjoyed. LOL.

"...Happy birthday! ;D Palibre namaen o... I hope you had a very memorable un-legalhood and a blessed life as an adult, and I hope that you enjoy every moment of this very important day! Saan na ba?" -Jason "Burr" De Jesus

Comment: Jason-burr, in his memorable way of speaking and kapal-face. Haha.

The ever elusive Worldness (a.k.a. Jerico Santos) greeted me! (Even if he was doing his lab report when he sent his PM... Okay... I'm really shallow when it comes to hard-to-reach/hard-to-find/extremely busy people greeting me.)

And... Maisie Magnaye and Dana Torio too! I really miss these two girls!

Oh... The PKMN-ph family also greeted me! Yey. Thank you to everyone there! (Though I don't like my hair on that greeting poster. LOL)

Patrick also treated me out to "Secret Recipes" in Robinson's Manila. It's a cafe/cake shop... and the Oreo cheesecake and Tropic cake-thing I ordered was yummy! (Of course, the best part was that I ate for free. Haha.) And yeah, he gave me two books as birthday presents (Now I have additional entries to the unread-books-that-I-own list. Hopefully I'm able to read them.) Oh yeah, the books are titles "Para kay B" by Ricky Lee (The novel which I suspect Patrick has not yet read... But okay, the story was told to him and he liked it.) and "No Boyfriend Since Birth" by Claire Betita (Ayayay Patrick. No wonder you didn't let me open this package in front of you. I might have strangled you. LOL)

And... the highlight of my school-day birthday day. (How redundant) My blockmates surprised me while I was playing icebreaker with Ate Val, Gracie and Jerica in the William Hall Gazebo! I was really "touched" (Thank you, my dearest Block EH!)... The thing was, it was hard to ride the LRT with a cake in one hand and a bouquet of roses in another. It was just so good that God allowed me and Tintin to ride an almost-skip-train (with seats still available inside). That made my "journey" to Monumento so much easier.

The cake unfortunately melted while I was traveling from La Salle to home via the LRT... and instantly succumbed to my Nanay's katakawan. (Hahaha. When she saw the cake, she opened the box and ate some of it in the car... way before I did!)

Yah. The bouquet of roses! I sooo love it. They even had my blockmates greetings in them!

I'm also happy that we (my Nanay and I) were able to force my dear Papsy to pose for the webcam... Since he incredibly dislikes taking pictures. (Hair issues *ehem* *ehem*)

To end my birthday, we ate at Chili's Tomas Morato (as tradition says so... At least after that traumatic 16th birthday experience. Haha.) with my dearest Cuzzy-wuzzy a.k.a. Paolo Luces. Yeah.

That's a wrap! I just needed to summarize my birthday! Now, I got to do those prayer points assigned to me for tomorrow's Archer's Call!

Special thanks goes to Tatay God for the wonderful 18 years I have spent here in this world. ^^

Countdown

Here I go again making a post before I officially turn a year older.

I'm going to turn 18 next Wednesday, and I still wonder if I had already experienced all the stuff people need to go through before I reach that age where Filipinos (especially the girls) earn that "right of passage."

Oh well. Who really cares who went through what? At least not me. I'm actually talking nonsense to myself again. Hahaha. Anyway...

Last Sunday, I was reminded of Hosea, one of the Old Testament prophets. who was instructed by God to marry a prostitute. This was because of a talk by a modern-day prophet named Stacey Campbell in a church me and my father "visited." Actually, she just dropped off Hosea's name, and I, being the curious person I am, searched who Hosea was (because even I forgot his story).

I was reading the summary of the story on the net last Monday morning (because I cannot resist my curiosity), and this was what I found out:

Hosea was a remarkable man who really followed God, even if it hurts. He went on to marry Gomer, who God prophesied to become a prostitute, name children after names that were equated to "doom" because God told him so, went on to search and buy out Gomer at an auction when he found out that she was sold at the market after being disposed by her lover, and forgave Gomer.

I actually had some tears in my eyes when I finished reading his story. I never knew there was a love story in the Old Testament that's so moving it can make you cry. Not only did it show Hosea's unwavering faith on God, but it also showed how much God loves His people - how far He would go for His love.

So, that's Hosea.

It's Friday night again, and it will be Monday soon. Oh, how time flies so fast.

At least life's good. God's good.

Solitary Soul

This poem is dedicated to Ate Alps, who is not only a Bible study leader, but a good friend as well. I wish her the best in her journey through life (in training to become a full-time missionary).

Poem inspired by Joshua 1:1-9

*****
I can hear the wind
Calling out my name
As i walk down this barren road
Filled with uncertainty

Why I am doing this
Is a big mystery
I have for so many times
thought of over and over again
Yet I still keep on walking
Unafraid

I'll keep following
This path
Where the wind blows
For my efforts will not be in vain

Soon
though I don't exactly know when
I'll be able to reach
That place
Where the sun always shines
Where the flowers never cease to bloom
Where the river always flows with life

I have faith I will
So I continue to walk



(Home)

Of Irritations and His Faithfulness

For the past few days, there's this irritation in my chest that is itchy and hurts at the same time. It's such a nuisance that I cannot even sleep decently at night. I want to scratch is so bad, but when I scratch it, there is temporary relief, and then the pain and itchiness comes again. I also gets incredibly itchy and painful when I sweat, or even at random moments, like right now when I am just typing a post here in my blog.

I'm going to say this sentence another time, just like I did for the rest of since-when-this irritation began, "Ang kati-kati!!!"

It distracts me so much that I want to cry because of it. But (and I can't believe I'm saying this) you know what's amazing about it? The red pigmentations it causes make a big heart-shaped mark across my chest. I don't even understand the reason why I'm saying this, but what I know is that God is continually teaching me how to see the good in the ugly and irritable, just as He is doing.

On another note, I was archiving all my blog posts a while ago (The oldest post dated back December 31, 2004), and as I was scanning through my posts, I saw a poem I wrote when I was 15 years old. (It seems like a long time ago.) I let a few people read it, because even I was amazed with what I wrote at that time. Also, this is such a memorable poem because this was the first I wrote dedicated to my Heavenly Father.

A Shimmer of Hope

I try to catch my breath
As my world starts to slowly fade away.
I search for a remedy to stop all of this;
My mind trying to find what went wrong.
But I can’t find the answer.
I am lost in oblivion,
Stuck in the limbo within the depths of my soul.

Why does everything seem so hard?
Why do I need to suffer
This bleakness and loneliness
That is slowly eating up
Every part of me?

I need to save what’s left of this place
Before it gets completely devoured by the darkness lurking stealthily;
Ruining my abode little by little.

But I failed.

“How will my world come to life again?”
This question I asked to myself.
I realized that I have ignored something;
A small glitter of light that was always watching over me.
Following me everywhere that I go.

I finally found a shimmer of hope;
Something that can turn my dark, broken world back into the beautiful place it once was.
This little light –
Why did I always ignore it
When in fact, it was the origin of my world.
It was always there beside me –
Constant, unchanging.
This tiny sparkle is the only thing
That can mend this shattered world of mine.

This light –
The one thing I used to nurture
Before my world became a marvelous dwelling.
It was what started it all:
It made all these majestic things that used to live in my paradise;
This world grew and grew,
Until it was so beautiful that I started to ignore this little light.
Slowly, I began to forget about its existence.

Because of this light, I had my world, my secret place,
Where I can lean on, take refuge.
“Why is it still there after all these times I tried ignoring it?”
No matter what I do, the light was always there.
Never foresaking me even though I left it away.

I started nurturing this light again.
My paradise started to come to life once more.
It grew and grew –
I was so delighted!
I can’t believe that this light would still do all these things for me
Despite being rejected for such a long time.

I will continue to nurture this light;
Having done a lot of amazing things for me.
I’ll never let it go;
I’ll not make those same mistakes I did in the past.
This light is what makes my world go round,
And I am willing to do everything for it;
To return the favor it gave me;
Incomparable to any other thing that I can ever give.

-Kamae; May 4, 2006

Based from my previous posts (2004-2008), I have definitely grown up, but this poem reminds me that no matter how much I mature (Oh... I'm almost 18!), there's that part of me that will continue yearning for Him. He has proven to me through my writings and ramblings that He is transforming me into who He wants me to be, and I'll be patiently waiting for the next thing He'll do in my life.

Love. Grace. Music.

Yesterday was that day when I felt I was not "good enough." I know that it is not by good works that one gets saved by Christ, but when you want to be pleasing in the eyes of the One who saved you, you want to do everything to make Him smile.

So, while I was lying in bed, waiting for sleep to fall on me, I kept praying and praying. Then, this morning, I just needed to listen to this song, and I feel a lot better now.

Tatay God, thank You for being the God of many chances. Thank You for choosing me, and being incredibly patient, because I still have a long way to go.

Last, but not the least, though it is an unusual thing to thank You for; Thank You for making me a music junkie , and using that part of me in lifting me up and reminding me of who You are.

*****

Caedmon's Call - There's Only One (Holy One)

Left his seamless robe behind
Woke up in a stable crying
Lived and died and rose again
Savior for a guilty land

It's a story like a children's tune
And it's grown familiar as the moon
So now I ride my camel high
And I'm aiming for the needle's eye

I chased the wind, but I chased in vain
I chased the earth, but it would not sustain

[Chorus:]
There's only one who never fails
To beckon the morning light
There's only one who sets loose the gales
And ties the trees down tight
When all around my soul gives way
He is all my hope and stay
There's only one, only one Holy One

Lord, You are my Prince of Peace
But this war brings me to my knees
See there's a table You've prepared
And all my enemies are there
But where my Shepherd leads
Where else can I go
Who else fills my cup till it overflows

[Chorus]

There's only one who never fails
To beckon the morning light
There's only one who sets loose the gales
And ties the trees down tight

To the Solid Rock I fly
Though He bids me come and die
There's only one, only one Holy One

[Chorus]

Good Morning, God

After seven hours of sleep
I got out of bed
Stood up
Then went to the bathroom

I placed myself in front of the sink
Started brushing my teeth

After the brushing was done
I gazed at the mirror in front of me
Then smiled

I saw all my imperfections
My ears
My chalk-like stained teeth
Even my zits which I dislike to see

But despite these things
I sing a song of joy
For yes
Even though I am imperfect
I am beautiful to You, my Lord
My Creator
My Savior
My Redeemer
And I praise You
Because despite my shortcomings
You are there to fill me up
And make me whole

Good morning, God
Belated Happy Valentine's Day
I Love You

Your Child,
Kamae

The Reluctant Lasallian

Before going about my usual business of doing schoolwork with the aid of the internet, I need to get this thought out of my mind and heart. I've been in La Salle for almost two years now, and to be honest, I am still learning to love my present-day alma mater.

It's just so hard to know that you are going to this school when another part of you screams out to be part of another university. Well, that's how I feel sometimes. There are times when I already like walking down those marble-polished floors, but there are days when I wish I was elsewhere. I was accepted in other universities I favor even more. I even got the courses that I liked in those places, but why did I end up going to La Salle?

It still is a big mystery to me. I cannot believe I said during that Star Scholarship interview (a fully-waived tuition fee program during your whole stay in the school, plus other benefits, which I unfortunately was not accepted in) that I would study in La Salle even if I was not accepted in the scholarship program. I chose La Salle over other schools because of my course. Period. I cannot understand my reasoning even up till now.

There are still those times when that thought of shifting out to another school enters my brain, but my heart says otherwise. Even when there I times I dislike saying I am a Lasallian, I continue to be one, because God continues to whisper in my heart to be one.

I was once one of those normal sixth grade students who would settle for any high school in my area, but somehow, through His invisible hand, God led me to Philippine Science, which up till now, was an experience I still cannot fathom. Here He showed me , through graduating with honors, that I was capable of more than I thought I could be.

I will continue to trust Him, because even if I cannot understand where I am heading right now, He has his best intentions for me in His heart.

"In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps." - Proverbs 16:24

P.S. This experience inspired this poem of mine.

P.S.S. Happy Valentine's Day!!!

That Kind of Love

It's that time of the year again. People appreciate their loved ones through cards, roses, chocolates and even stuffed toys. Lovers go date somewhere. People profess their admiration to their crushes... Oh, the things people do for love.

Of all the kinds of love that exists in this world, the kind of love which really intrigues me is a parent's love, especially a father's love for his daughter. What is it that makes a father write a song about giving away his daughter in marriage, and why is it hard to let her go? If you've heard "Butterfly Kisses" by Bob Carlisle, you know what I'm talking about. Countless love songs make you happy or sad, but only few let you feel both emotions at the same time, and one of those few are songs written by a father for his daughter.

Maybe I'm thinking about this too much today since I'm the daughter of my father. (Wow. What a way to describe myself.) It must be really hard to raise someone up, spend all your time and effort on him/her, then let him/her go. It's an amazing love, to the point that it is kind of more than sacrificial.

I want to love like that one day. (Haha. Im saying this and I don't even have a love life!) It must be hard, but it sure is a rewarding kind of love.

*****


Cinderella - Steven Curtis Chapman

[Verse 1:]
She spins and she sways to whatever song plays,
Without a care in the world.
And I'm sitting here wearing the weight of the world on my shoulders.
It's been a long day and there's still work to do,
She's pulling at me saying "Dad I need you!
There's a ball at the castle and I've been invited and I need to practice my dancin'"
"Oh please, daddy, please!"

[Chorus:]
So I will dance with Cinderella
While she is here in my arms
'Cause I know something the prince never knew
Oh I will dance with Cinderella
I don't want to miss even one song
'Cause all too soon the clock will strike midnight
And she'll be gone.

[Verse 2:]
She says he's a nice guy and I'd be impressed
She wants to know if I approve of the dress
She says, "Dad the prom is just one week away
And I need to practice my dancin'
"Oh please, daddy , please!"

[Chorus]

[Verse 3:]
But she came home today with a ring on her hand
Just glowin' and tellin' us all they had planned
She says, "Dad the wedding's still six months away but I need to practice my dancin'
"Oh please, daddy , please!"

[Chorus]